The silent scream
The scream that I heard today.
Today I went to the pool. While underwater I heard a sound that reminded me of a long forgotten under water scream. All people who grow up with pools learn early on that sound does not propagate well in water. We just never even tried communicating with sound underwater. Often I watched movies of dolphins communicating with their high pitched cry underwater. Only their sound was heard because it was amplified for us humans to hear.
When I was in high school, I felt very left out socially. We would often have swim parties and get togethers, and I always felt on the fringe. My classmates would whisper and if I came close would stop talking and stare at me till I swam away. This was excruciating for me at times. One time it got so bad that I needed to cry, to scream, to mourn, lament and let it out. I did what I did best, I silenced my cry. I went deep under the water and screamed and screamed, cried and cried. No one could hear me. No one ever would.
There’s something so isolating about crying hysterically and not being able to be heard. Sometimes just expressing the pain is hard. I’m not so sure why it was so difficult for me to allow myself to be heard, to share my pain. Perhaps I felt it was too big to be contained, like a tsunami of emotions that would steamroll anyone over. Perhaps I was scared it would steamroll me to be that vulnerable. So I went under, and no one ever heard. No one ever saw. My pain was just for me.
When I was at the pool today, I heard the echo of the silent scream. It may have got muffled back then, but I do believe the sound waves echo on forever and sometimes, perhaps if you are quiet and present, you can hear them bouncing back, in a different country in a different time. Hurt and pain can be like that.